SUCCESS LIFE: Jonah Nyoni
Does money control love? Or love has to control money? Money, marriage and sex are topical issues, that if not well managed they ruin marriage. I (JN) sought one expert on marriage, Pride Sibya (PS) who is going to help on how to manage money in a love situation.
JN: When a boy and a girl are dating they want to show their best, but end up living a lie. When marriage strikes, the truth is revealed. Are there dangers of wanting to flaunt money before marriage as a way of impressing?
PS: Eighteen(18) years ago I proposed love to my wife who I’m married to. I told her that I am nothing but a young, poor ghetto boy who had absolutely nothing of my own. This was because I was afraid of the consequences associated with discovering who your partner really is later on. Jonah, the greatest danger is failing to buy back trust once you lose it. Marriage is based on, or at least, should be based on love. Love is not just a feeling, it is a decision, and that decision comes because of trust. When you lose the trust of your partner you lose all other hinges you have built in that marriage relationship. Be transparent, Genesis 2:25 tells us that Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed…yes nakedness is transparency yet not ashamed.
JN: Money carries an emotion. How do we maintain love, romance and sex in the absence of money?
PS: Yes it’s true, money carries an emotion. I want our people to know that money is not everything in life, in general, and in marriage in particular. That is very important. Equally important is that, though it is not everything it is very important. Couples need to be taught how to bring in financial income and moreso how to manage the resources that God gives them. However, we also need to know that we cannot wait for money to come to us so that we may experience love, romance and even have meaningful sex in a marriage. Joy comes from within, it is not happiness, a couple must decide early in life that they will maintain that marital joy regardless of their financial status. Romance, love and sex flourish even in financial dire-straits.
JN: Couples fight because of money mismanagement. Give tips on how to manage money in marriage?
PS: Firstly, there is need for the transparency that I alluded to before. That is extremely important, next is to budget. Budgeting is very boring but will save us a lot of trouble caused by financial mismanagement. On the budget should items be prioritised according to the order of pre-eminence and importance. My wife and I start with tithes and offerings, followed by rents and rates, foodstuffs, school fees, transport, medicals, relatives, accounts and contingent expenses. That budget accounts for 60-70% of the income, while 30-40% goes to investments. Not the best model, but can serve us.
JN: In our culture it is expected of a man to be the provider. Then how do we deal or manage a scenario where the woman is the one providing or earns more than the man?
PS: Yes our culture says so. It takes it from the way God made it to be. A man must strive to take care of his own, even if it means cutting someone’s lawn or picking plastic bottles. However sometimes it does not go according to the ideal. The Biblical narrative of wives submitting to their husbands is key here, Jonah. Ephesians 5:22-24 is clear, wives must submit to their husbands as unto Christ. That act is voluntary. If women are to submit it means they are already recognised to be of a superior order, yet for the sake of order and peace they must submit (meaning to put yourself under the mission of the husband). If women go by the Godly principles of submission we have no problem in that regard and in fact many marriages will be strong. My wife will never be my husband nor be head of the home because she gets more money!
JN: There could be sex starvation because of a man being unable to provide money! How do we deal with that?
PS: Jonah, sex is not an award because a man has been able to provide for his family. Neither is respect and honour. For a man, just like a woman, sex is a God-given need that needs to be fulfilled within the confines of Holy matrimony. One important difference between the concept of sex by males and females is that while women may need kind words, care, security and tender touches to feel for sex, men just need an image. Men are aroused just by sight. It is also critical to know that healthy and normal men between ages 23-50 think of sex 30-45 times daily.
Sometimes it’s just a moment, others it’s a strong temptation. However, some will resist and decide they will fulfil their need at home. If a man’s wife knows this, they must know what to do! The rule is, “The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). There is no money mentioned there. Simple!
JN: Finally, what are you words of advice concerning money and love?
PS: Love is the ultimate, love is God, love will sustain us. Money answers all things. Both are very important but we must know which provides the basis of another. The ultimate is love: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13). Let us pray for our marriages, money will come. Thank you Jonah for having me. Bless you, reader!
Jonah Nyoni is an author, success coach and certified leadership/business trainer. He is the author of Inspiration for Success and Success Within Reach.